Post for Matt

Dear Matt,
         I'm really glad that I met you this year. I'm also glad that you're giving me something to post about. But that seems to be besides the point. So, we first really started talking when we both were spamming Margaret's status that one time on Facebook. Lots of fun. We just rambled off different favorite things until we reached over a hundred comments. I now know that your favorite color is black(though blue is nice too), that you like dogs but think it's cliche so you say that your favorite animal is a tiger, your favorite movie is The Rocker, your favorite genre of food is Italian, you like to vacation in Gatlinburg, TN, your favorite soup is chicken noodle o's, your favorite form of transportation is teleportation, you like skate shoes(but flip flops in the summer), you like chocolate cake, your favorite season is summer, you like Sumatran tigers, your favorite ice cream flavor is banana split, you like Labrador Retrievers, you think desk lamps are cool and your favorite Jedi power(good category, by the way) is mind control. I also know that you've lost obscene amounts of brain due to the fact that I make you lose the game a lot, and that you are currently winning the poke war. Which I will change by tomorrow morning.
         So, we talk almost every day and, to tell you the truth, I look forward to it. You've changed from a person who I barely knew at all to one who I share a lot of inside jokes with. I'm really happy about that. I'm not happy, though, about the fact that your ninja powers enable you to keep one-upping me in the ever-raging poke war. Thank you, by the way, for letting us re-start after I lost. Which I now, officially, publicly admit.
         To round off this post, you're the only one of my friends whose feet could eat mine, who demands we have a photo shoot for our Facebook album(God doesn't like it when you lie...:)), and who will continuously cause me to lose the game every single day. You're really funny and I sincerely enjoy hanging out with you.

Goodbye, *poke*, and you lost the game,
Kaley

Dear God,
         I've been having some trouble lately, and I was wondering if you could help me out. I know I'm not the best Catholic, and I can't say I'm trying really hard, but if you could please just listen. I can't really have this discussion with anyone else, because I'm worried that if I talk to some of my Christian friends they'll think badly of me, and that if I talk to some of my other friends all we'll end up doing is angsting. So I'm writing this letter to you.
         I want to believe in you, with all my heart and all my being. I want to be able to fully trust in your awesome might and power. But I've got a few problems that are keeping me from fully accomplishing that. First, I disagree with some things that the Catholic Church teaches. I know that there are lots of other religions to follow you by, but when you're a fourteen year old girl, you kind of have to go along with whichever Church your parents take you to. I also feel bad when I say this because I know that I'm not completely educated in the teachings of the Catholic Church, so therefore I really have no right to say that. Second, with this disagreement, I feel like with every disagreement I make in my head that I'm 1.sinning and 2.separating myself farther and farther away from you. And I don't want to do that. It seems to me that I give so little to you and expect so much. I try to be a good person, even though it may not seem like I do. I'm so sorry that I haven't realized this earlier. I know that I pray to you so much, asking for things for my family, my friends, and, yes, myself. So I'm going to ask this of you, then try to stay off your case for a while, because I realize that there are so many other people out there that need you help loads more than I do.
        Dear God, please help me to follow in your ways. I want to be a better person through your help. Please help those who are needy, those who are helpless, those who feel they are alone in this world. Please comfort them with your grace and love. Forgive me for all the things that I have done, and all the things that I will do. Please help my mom, who is really stressed out; my brother, who I can tell needs guidance beyond what my parents(or even myself) can give him; my dad, who really just needs a light, something to hold on to; my friends, no matter what their problems may be; and me, who's just looking to find herself in this big, big world.
        This letter...has taken a lot off my chest. I'm sorry I'm so imperfect. I'm sorry that I've sinned. Please help me be a better person.
Love,
Kaley

Who is this chick anyway?

     This is an autobiography. I'm doing this just because I feel like it, and also because I need a blog post. So.
     My name is Kaley. I'm 14 years old. My favorite color is purple. I have 2 brothers, a mom, and a dad. I also have a really fat cat named Gyro. My favorite season is fall. I enjoy reading and baking. My favorite food is scrambled eggs. My guilty pleasure is McDonald's cheeseburgers. I like good music. Which means, I like a lot of different genres, but not all songs in particular genres. I don't exactly know why, but Katy Perry is my favorite famous person. I like vintage things. My dream car is an old, beat-up pickup truck. I would describe my style as...comfy. I despise being late. I get stressed out rather easily. My favorite weather is rain. I really enjoy playing old, low quality video games(preferably with a joystick). When people drive slow, it makes me want to scream. I've been told I'm a pretty funny person. I want to grow my hair at least 5 inches longer before the end of the school year. Which is basically impossible. But I do enjoy a challenge. I like a lot of different movies. When I grow up, I want to do something that helps people. I'm considering teaching. But then there's the salary to look in to. I'm really awesome at procrastinating. This is example A. I've got a lot of questions about a lot of things. If this doesn't do it for you, ask me in person. I'd be happy to talk to you. :)
Over and out.

Letter to a Friend #3

Dear Margaret,
      So I'm sitting in math class right now, chatting with you on Oovoo. And I'm going to write you a letter. Hmm. I guess I'll start from the very beginning.
      I didn't know you very well when I first came to Harford Day in third grade. I was in Mrs. Messler's homeroom, you were in homeroom with Mrs. Wilcoxson. I was in all the mediocre classes, you were in the classes for current brainchildren of the world. So I didn't really start talking to you until about middle school. Except for that one time I came over to your house in like the 5th grade and we ate rolls and your dog ripped my pants. I remember both of those vividly.
      Anyway, we didn't really kick it off until about 7th grade when I went through that big fight with a certain un-named friend and didn't have anyone to talk to because my other friends were in 7A. So I started hanging out with you. I don't remember all the specifics, but I do remember that it was pretty fun stuff. Commence friendship.
      Since we hung out with different groups of people, I didn't hang with you as much as I'd have liked to. But we did have some pretty fun times in Middle School(mini mammoths ftw!!!). But I'm so glad that you became my friend. Back in third grade I barely knew your name, and now I'm blessed to be able to call you one of my best friends.
     Truth is, I've always been jealous of you. You're pretty much the smartest white girl I know. And I know a lot of smart white girls. You always seem to have it so together all the time. You can manage friends, family, grades, sports, everything so well, and still have time and patience to deal with me and my various problems when I call you at like 8 o'clock at night and I know you have other things to do but I still need to rant to someone and you let me. You're a superhero. You can make me laugh even when I'm crying over Skype, and you always know the right thing to say, whether you know it or not. You always have time for your friends, especially me, and I really don't know a single person who doesn't like you. I'm worried that sentence didn't make sense. What I'm saying is, you're everybody's friend. Including mine. And I'm so grateful for that. You're such a talented, funny, wonderful person. I'm so happy we're friends. But if you don't stop shaking my desk in Human Geography, I might bite your foot. Just a warning. Love you lots!
Love,
Kaley

Letter to a Friend #2

Dear blonde runner friend who's in my English class,
        Thank you for being my friend. Truthfully, when I first met you, I expected us to be the kind of friends that would say hi to each other in the hallways and smile at each other if we ever happened to run into each other in public. I expected you to be one of those people who I could define as a friend, maybe even a good friend, but not a best friend.
        You've completely proven me wrong. Over the past couple of weeks you have shown a support for me that I never expected. When you first offered to take a free mod with me to talk about my problems, I kind of thought it was an empty promise, to be brutally honest. But when you began again to ask if I was okay, if I was sad, if I needed someone to talk to, I realized you genuinely cared. I really thank you for that. You may never be able to fully understand how loved and cared for I felt when you told me in English class that if I ever needed someone to talk to, that I could always come to you.
        Today when we talked to each other over Skype about our troubles, I thought about how nice it would be to have you as a really close friend. I told you a lot of things that most people don't know about me, and you told me some things that I'm pretty sure most people don't know about you. I really hope that, over the course of our high school years, we become closer together as friends.
        Before this week, I thought I knew you. In my head, you were this girl in my English class who liked Harry Potter and running, who I thought was really smart, pretty, and nice. Now I know better. You are such a true friend, with a golden heart. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Thank you for reaching out to me, I'll never forget it. You can always tell me anything, and I'll always be there for you.
Love,
Kaley

Letter to a Friend #1

Dear Megan,
         I'm really tempted to write in all caps due to the conversation we are having on Oovoo at the moment. But first off, I'm so glad I met you this year at John Carroll, even though we apparently knew each other before. But I digress. What I'm saying is, I already look forward to conversations we have, and we already tell each other so much, I can totally visualize us becoming really dear friends, if not best friends. I already feel like I can be honest with you, and tell you everything, and I really hope that we continue our terrorization of Buontempo's until we no longer can walk. I also hope that we do go on a road trip to California and that we do open a Chinese food place called Firewok even though neither of us are Chinese and I don't like Chinese food except for the ever-sketchy fried rice. But again, I digress.
        I'm not only writing to you to tell you how much you mean to me, I'm also writing to return something that was rightfully yours. I've been giving it some thought. You know that guy we both like? Well, only you like him now. With all the problems I've been having lately, I've realized that he cannot possibly make me truly happy (because he has actually been the cause of many of them). And he can make you truly happy, and that's what I want for you. I've moved on, so you can move in. Simple as that.
        You are one of the most talented people I know. You can sing, you can write, you're so smart, funny, and pretty, you can dance, and most of all, you're a great friend. Through all the ups and downs you've always been there for me, and I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, whether I'm a vent or a wingman or someone to quote AVPM at or a shoulder to cry on or a person to laugh with or anything, no matter what.
Love,
Kaley
      

Well, since Thanksgiving IS right around the corner....

    I've been extremely negative lately. So I feel like I need to post things that I'm thankful for. Believe it or not, there are things!
    First of all, I'm thankful for this blog. This is really one of the places where I can just put my feelings out there no matter what they may be, and I'm actually getting so much support from my friends because they've read about my problems and want to help.
    That's another thing. I'm so thankful for my friends. I truly don't know what I'd do without them. I am seriously considering making a blog post for each of my different friends for the express purpose of writing them a letter telling them how much they mean to me and how thankful I am for their friendship. Which I will do.
    I am also grateful for, believe it or not, all the challenges God has presented me with. They've really helped me come to a conclusion about myself and have showed me who my true friends are. Even though it's been a really emotional time for me, I feel like I'll come out of these experiences a better and wiser person.
   I'm thankful for a lot more than this, but right now these are the really prevalent things.
    Oh, and one more thing. I'm thankful for you, for reading this blog.
 

Do you think I'm HAPPY about all of this?!

Today might have been the most sucktastic day of my entire life. It all started off when I overslept for school. *WARNING: Rant commences here.
    Got a 63 on and AP Human Geography test today. Almost started crying. But didn't.
    Got a 9/14 on an Algebra quiz today. Almost started crying. But didn't.
    Got yelled at by my mom for failing the Human Geography test. Almost started crying. But didn't.
    Ran upstairs to my room to start my homework. Saw that I left my Human Geography books at school. Almost started crying. Did.
    Went back to John Carroll silently with my mother. Got my books. Saw some friends. Made me laugh.
    Came home. Did some homework. Went on PowerSchool. Realized all hope is not lost. But that I really don't like my math teacher.
    Thought about today. Came to a realization. I'm going to do what my heart's telling me to do. I'm tired of people telling me how to live my life. Whether it be my parents telling me to get my grades up, or my friends telling me not to procrastinate. I can govern myself just fine. It doesn't mean I'm not going to expect any less from myself, in fact, I'm going to expect more. But I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm doing this for myself. Before school started, I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I was going to do great in high school, and that if anyone thought differently, I'd completely whip them in the face with my academic potential. And I fully intend to do just that. So look out world, here I come.
    But here's the thing. It seems like everyone around me is all of a sudden doubting my abilities. Just as a background point: this blog post was written over some amount of time, so a lot has gone on since the start of this post. And since everyone around me is doubting my capabilities, I'm starting to believe the fact that I am not capable of doing anything.
    I'm just another person. There's really nothing special about me. I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm just stating a fact. Everything that I can do, someone can do better. And I swear, if anyone comments on here saying that I'm the best at being Kaley, I will scream. I don't even know who "Kaley" is. I'm trying to figure that out, but with all the other stuff I have vying for my attention, it's hard to get to.
    Damn. My mom just came in again and yelled at me for not doing well enough. Can't she see I'm trying? Funny how about two months ago she was like one of my best friends and now I can barely stand her. But that's for another blog post, because this one is insanely long.

Today is going to be the worst day ever. And I'm here to tell you why.

1. First of all, it's a Monday. And there's basically no way a Monday can be good in any way, shape, or form.
2. I'm sitting here in health class, blogging to make it look like I'm doing something. Unlike this kid in my class, who feels like it's his job to walk around the classroom like a douche. Which he is currently doing.
3. I have ANOTHER AP Human Geography paper due tomorrow, on a paper I haven't even gotten.
4. Chorus ran short today. No chance of any fun without chorus.
5. There's a funky bell today. And I don't like it.
6. I only have one mod off today.
7. My one really good friend is going to be sad today. Which makes me sad.
8. I overslept this morning. But I'm still so tired.
9. I think I have to make up a Catholic Church quiz today. And I didn't study. But whatever. Never really cared about Catholic Church class anyway.
10. There is nothing I can do about my current situation. It's like God is saying, "Hey, I'm going to make your life suck right now. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. Just have to keep looking ahead. Sorry!"

Letters to a bunch of people.

Dear Mr. Hughes,
        Please stop assigning hideous crap-loads of homework every single night. I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks,
Kaley

Dear un-named friend(you know who you are, hopefully),
        I feel really bad about everything that's happened in the past 48+ hours. If I could stop it, I would. That sounds horrible. But I really don't want to, like you said, hurt the feelings of the other person involved in this. I just feel like you(I don't mean this to sound as bad as it definitely will) need to be happy. And I sure as anything don't want to be what's holding you back from being happy. But I don't know what to do. I wish I could just tell him to do what you(really, deep down) want him to do. Without any concerns towards my feelings whatsoever. Admittedly, I've done some things that could be hard to reverse, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what you want. I want you to be happy. Simple as that. Hoes before bros, and whatnot. On the selfish side of things, I want to also be happy. But a small part of me is asking, "Is he what will make you happy?" A large part of me says yes, but then part of my heart asks, "What about (insert name of you here)?" Then the rest of me screams, "HOES BEFORE BROS!" Which may seem comical, but it breaks a part of me inside. I don't want to hurt you. I've been through this before, and I don't want this to come between us. If anything, I wish this had never come up in my life so that you could just have him and be happy. I'm deadly serious. In summary, I'm just generally really upset about this and I wish you would really just tell me what you want. Really truly tell me, so that I can help you make that happen. I can't explain it. All I can say is that I'm really, truly sorry. I hope that whatever happens, if anything, we're still friends forever. I'd rather be a broless ho than a holess ho. Your friendship means so much more to me than any guy ever will. I don't want to lose all the good times we've had, and all the good times we will have in the future. You are such a wonderful friend and person, and I can't bear to hurt you, even though I am right now. I'm so sorry.
All My Love,
Kaley

Dear Madison,
        You are my best friend in the world. I've been thinking about what I'm going to say in four years at chapel, and every time I try to consider what to say to you I get tears in my eyes. So this is practice. Here goes nothing. This may sound cliche, but words can't even describe how much of my best friend you are. Do you remember how in middle school we always tried to write letters to each other telling the other person how meaningful our friendship was, and you'd want to make the letter go on for like ten pages because it would just be so damn impressive to walk up to the other person and be like, "There! Yeah! Ten pages! Right there! Who's awesome!" on the inside, but then on the outside been like, "Oh, it was nothing." This feels like that. But I'm coming to realize now that those letters had a shortage of pages because our friendship is truly indescribable. I can't tell you enough how you know me better than anybody else. I know I can(and do) tell you anything and everything, and that means the world to me. Out of the countless times that I've cried to you, told you all my secrets, slept over at your house, terrorized furniture stores with you, and made you laugh until you can't breathe and you're almost legally dead, I think that the best times are yet to come. I never want to not be your best friend. If that makes sense. I don't think anyone else could accept my weirdness at this point. I'm seriously having trouble putting our friendship into words. Oh! Here, I think this oughta do it. You know all those times we've called each other and stayed on the phone for hours, sometimes talking but sometimes not talking at all and just doing random things like reading and crossword puzzles and walking around outside taking pictures of plant life and breakfast nooks but not really? Those are the times when I'm completely sure that you're my best friend in the entire world, and that I'd never have it any other way. You're the sister I never had and I'll always be there for you, no matter what.
     Through thick and through thin, all out and all in, we're gonna go through it together. We may not go far, but sure as the stars, we're gonna go through it together. :)
Love,
Kaley

INTERNAL CONFLICT!!!

My life is full of problems. At least at the moment. Right now, I'm quite internally conflicted. Grrrr. But I can't say everything I'd like to say because some of the people this concerns read my blog. Awesome. Not that I don't enjoy those people reading my blog, because I do. Oh well, that's what paper's for. Anyway, after a conversation with a friend last night, I've come to a conclusion that I am both excited about and not excited about. Hence the internal conflict. Lately it seems to me that I've been flipping around and changing my opinion about this...issue a lot. But it's not completely my fault! I can't really go into detail, and I apologize for the vagueness, but that's how it is. So I think I'm just going to let it fall where it does, and see where things go. Can only hope for the best. Cross your fingers for me? :)

Title: New Post

    So much posting, so little time. I don't even know why I'm on here. I'm so tired right now, I should be dead asleep in my bed. But I'm not. I'm in my dining room, on my laptop, blogging. I just can't get enough of it.
    And yet I can't decide what to blog about. I could take my own advice and blog about Reese's peanut butter cups, or roller coasters, or slow internet connections, or maybe the ongoing poke war I am engaged in, but right now none of those seem very appealing. So I'm just going to mindlessly type. Right now I'm talking to a friend, who shall remain unnamed for the sake of internet safety and what have you. It's pretty awesome. I'm also staring at a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups. I really would  like to have one(or two), but I'm not really hungry.
    I have found something to talk about. It seems like especially lately I've been eating when I'm bored, tired, or stressed. Which basically is all the time. But the thing is, I'm losing weight. Which is weird. I guess it's because I don't eat breakfast. Which is totally not my fault. Either I forget, or I'm too stressed, or I don't have enough time.
    But now I don't want to post anymore. So I'm going to go now. Goodbye.

Looking on the bright side. And some darker sides. But mostly bright.

    I'm so happy. This week has finally decided to stop sucking. It's awesome. Today was awesome. My life is awesome. We did our first matinée performance of Peter Pan this morning/afternoon, and it made me realize how much I love acting. I just love performing. I'm definitely doing the Spring musical. It will be awesome. I'm going to make tomorrow awesome too. We have another matinée performance, and  we come in an hour late. A whole extra hour of sleep. Joyous!
    Mr. Briggs gave me a thank-you card for the cake I made him for his birthday. Made my day. He's seriously my favorite teacher. Him, Mr. Ireton, and Mr. Ward. Best teachers ever. Right there. Booyah.
    Highlight of my day(besides Mr.Brigg's thank-you card): I. AM. WINNING. THE. POKE. WAR.
    Negativity Alert!! If you've seen my last post, you'll be aware to the fact that I have a crush on a certain un-named guy. We talked today, hung out, but it still seems like I'm just the eager little girl waiting in the background to do his bidding. It just feels like he's using me sometimes. Grr. But I do look forward to seeing him, and I really like hanging out with him. I just wish he would treat me more as a...priority? That's not the right word...my point is I shouldn't be shoved into the corner until he finds me of some use.
    Coming out of that dark cloud of...unpositivity, today has just been a really good day. Apart from a few downs(example: NO CHICKEN PATTIES AT LUNCH :/) it's been generally awesome. Life's looking up, and I'm looking out. It's a roller coaster, but that's my favorite ride anyway. :)

Why can't he see what he's doing to me?

This post is about several different men in my life. There's a teacher, a brother, a crush, and a friend. I seem to list things a lot on here, and since I'd rather join them than beat them, here's another list.
1. Teacher- Mr. Hughes. Hmm. Today in Human Geography, we had a test. And an essay due. His course is basically taking over my life. And I'm not too thrilled about it. He's just stressing me out with all of his assignments and...course difficulty. At least I like the people in my class.
2. Brother- I have the best brother in the world. The best family in the world, actually. It's just that lately, it's been kind of a rough time for us all. I'd like to fix it, but every time I take one step forward, it seems like someone else decides it's a good time to take a step back. It's a neverending dance.
3. Crush- I can barely talk about this. It just confuses me so much. This guy, who everyone used to say likes me, is now fonding over my best friend. But I really want him to like me. Grrrr.
4. Friend- This is a positive one. I've made a new friend! A couple days ago one of my friends introduced me to this guy and we've been talking a lot. It's really fun to talk to him, he's just a really good guy. Makes my day.

So, I've got a bio test now. Wish me luck!

I've got a problem, and now I'm starting to worry.

So, the title was wrong. I have multiple problems. Categories: friends, family, play practice, extracurriculars, grades, emotions, and other stuff.
1. Friends-  I'm worried about my one friend. Ever since we started high school, she's been acting really different. She used to be this upbeat, happy person who was always upbeat and smiling. And now, she's not been eating a lot, she's sad all the time, and she's just not the same person. I, personally, blame this on someone. But I can't say who. Just throwing that out there.
2. Family- My mom is constantly yelling at me when I'm home. Either I'm not happy enough, not eating enough, using the ever-feared "attitude". MOM- I'M BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER. Blerg. I also don't feel justified in complaining about anything.
3. Play practice- I lost my freaking pirate sword. fml.
4. Extracurriculars- I really want to do Speech and Debate, but the thought intimidates me.
5. Grades- I'm actually applying myself this semester. I'm studying and doing my homework. But I'm getting not so awesome grades. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??? Grrrrr.
6. Emotions- I don't know if sleep constitutes as an emotion, but I'm tired all the time. Which therefore makes me grumpy. Which then makes me angry at home, because that's really the only place I don't have to care about what people think of me. Not that I really do anyway. This all relates back to #2.
7. Other stuff- I don't even know what to say about the guy I like. When we're in class together, he acts all into me and whatnot, but then we get to places like play practice etc. and he goes off with his cool upperclassmen friends and blows me off. I just feel like I'm kind of a...fall back, you know? Like he knows I'll always come running when he calls, so he just talks to me when he doesn't have anyone better to talk to. I hate that.

So, obviously right now I'm not in a really great mood. I'll probably regret this later. Key word: later.

WARNING: Rant.

Do I have some kind of problem that I'm not aware of? It just seems like lately I'm constantly doing things wrong. And I can't/don't know how to do anything about it. Like a couple days ago, I made a Twitter. I was looking at some of my friends' biographies on their profiles, and I thought, "How come these people can write about themselves so well, while I'm sitting here stating my name and favorite color?" It also brought up to me the problem that I don't have any idea who I am. I can't easily describe myself like some people can. And it really bugs me. I don't even know what I want to take as an elective next year. There just are so many things I'm interested in. I like writing, reading, baking, acting, singing, lots of things. I just haven't found one thing that I really enjoy, and am really good at. A thing that people when asked to describe me will say, "Oh, she does this." Also, it seems like I haven't been getting very good grades. I study, but I just can't seem to get good grades. My life right now is just like the movie Spiderman 3. I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3. I hated that movie. The whole point of Spiderman 3 is that everything sucks and falls to crap. But, things have to get worse before thy can get better.

So, about this title...

I thought a good way to kick off the start of this blog would be to explain the title. Because it can be confusing if you don't know me well. So here goes nothing.

1. Desserts
    I bake compulsively. If you happened to come by my house on any given weekend, there would be some baked good there, courtesy of moi. Most likely my (in)famous chocolate chip cake.

2. Derbis
    This one is a long story. But I love telling it, because in my opinion, it's hilarious. So I'm sitting at the dinner table with my dad and my brother Riley about a year ago. My brother and my dad start talking politics, and my dad says something about "democratic kool-aid". So Riley, being a very random child, launches into a full-blown rant about how it makes him so mad that the Kool-Aid man bursts through the walls of American children's homes, only to give them sugary drinks filled with insulation and crown molding. So Riley, in his rage, yells, "AND HE'S HANDING THESE KIDS KOOL-AID, BUT THERE'S ALL THIS DERBIS IN IT!" My dad then goes, "Riley, do you mean debris?" I don't know if that's funny to you, but I still laugh about it (and use the word derbis frequently) today.

3. Dancing bears
    I don't really know how to explain this one. There's just something so funny to me about people who dress up in bear costumes and dance.